Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5

scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10

scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.