Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.

THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

[training to be a meat cutter]

butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes

me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]

Friend: Hi, How have you been?

Me: Why? What have you heard?

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.

I said, try ordering Tacos instead.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you