Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.