Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
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Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
me: this is my horse, mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.