Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
kids play hide and seek like
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Favourite diary entry ever
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date