Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
That was easy.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”