Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Wedding planning is organized crime.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
the icebreaker
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.