Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Go hard or stay average
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head