Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
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I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
man: wait
time: no
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one