Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.

Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.

Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago

Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong