Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

It do be feeling this way.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.