Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

Life Lessons From Cats:

• take more naps

• rules were meant to be broken

• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared

• always demand respect

• if you have an itch, scratch it

• find joy in the simple things

• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it

Life’s too short to have your shit together.

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10

Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!

Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?

Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now