Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
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I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Well, that should do it
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
A fake ID that makes you younger
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️