Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.