Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

incredible google review i just found

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

They should make a moral fiber supplement

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?

Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.

FD: Well then-

FS: Don’t.

FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.