Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!

Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!

Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!

[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.

Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Did my cat write this

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!