Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my men well-rounded

and sweet

and rich

and available

and covered in sprinkles

wait a minute…

that’s donuts

I like donuts

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

[aquarium exit]

Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?

I beg your pardon?!

OPEN YOUR BAG

*opens bag and reveals two penguins*

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

Hey i am sexy to you now

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.