Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*