Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

Fights fire with marshmallows

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

[8 eating some chips]

8: Can I eat the whole bag?

Me: No, just the chips that are inside

I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

I’d use my best pan on you.

Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.

“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”

(silence)

(silence)

*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed