Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.

Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?

Her: White male, early 40s, overweight

Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

I would bang you so hard

over the head
with a frying pan

Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!

Straight people are cancelled