Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
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You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
For the baby who has everything
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers