Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*