Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

You saw nothing. I am ham.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.