Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My life in a nutshell

neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you

neil armweak: can you carry this?

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

Lol.

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button