Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
hackers play passwordle
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Mornin. * use accordingly
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.