Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
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guys i’ve cracked the code
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving