Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle

Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.

Can I tell her? Pleeease.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*

Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.

Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

🇺🇸🤭

When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.