Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

WIFE: I’m leaving you

CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*

ME: Is it because of-

WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl

waiter: do you have any questions about the menu

me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

[solicitor reading my will]

“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],

He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.

I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.