Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.