Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.