Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

and now we wait

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????

A great tip. #CakeRex

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”