Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.

God: you’re a koala bear.

Koala: yay I love bears!

God: but you’re not a bear.

Koala: oh.

God: yeah.

Koala: this is awkward.

God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.

Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )

God:

Koala:

God: that pun was beary bad.

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.