Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out

Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

My youngest is like a dog

She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”