Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
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So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
🤝
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.