Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
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Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
What personal space?
My dog