Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs

Dinner now: on the rocks

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

I went from rags to one rag.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.

Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?

Me: No, just spots.

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose