Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK

HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK

HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK

HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK

HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES

HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING

OHHHHHHHH

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

[Justice League Disney Hotel]

Me: can I have some help with my bags?

Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “