Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.

My kids: What’s a telephone cord?

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

peak technology

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Does my dog’s masseuse think I’m made of money??

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*