Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes

me: what’s in them?

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

Legend 🤣🤣