Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?

Me: no I just look like that

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

this is so top tier i cant

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task

When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?