Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a month

Funhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Real House Wines.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

No good deed goes unposted on social media.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT