Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

My front facing camera:

Me: I disagree.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing

The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.