Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

sistine chapel

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

Him: How did he die?

Me: He was attacked by a group of crows.

Him: A murder?

Me: Well, he’s clearly not still alive, Kevin.

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂