Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors