Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My mom called me and told me how much she likes watching Snoop Dogg at the Olympics and I had to remind her that she grounded me for buying his CD once
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage