Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
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Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Don’t talk down to me
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9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.