Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
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My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
When libraries troll their patrons.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
*offers Batman cough drops*
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf