Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”

Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”

My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

computer: enter new password

me: munster

computer: password must be stronger

me: limburger

computer: stronger

me: Jake Paul

computer: stronger

me: AxeBodySpray

computer: password is too strong

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Me trying to reach for my goals

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge