Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?