Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
doing your own taxes
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
The “research” scene in every horror movie
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy