Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

You have an IOS update.

Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.

Dogs: WTF is “colors”?

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”

Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*

ATTENBOROUGH: What the-

WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬