Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay

*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

biblically accurate fire hydrant

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there