Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

me: no thanks I’m a vegan

person handing me a baby: what

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months