husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.