husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
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yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
🤣could you imagine
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
A friend sent me this.
August 8
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.