Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english

3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.

me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now

woman: three times though?

bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?