Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.