Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
#StillHurts
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I am having an out of money experience.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.