Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
💯😂
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
What?
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF