Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
That’s amazing.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Not yet
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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.