Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle