HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
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I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
181.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
What if the weather talks about us?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️