Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.

He replied: My Mother-in-law!

We fist bumped.

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

How all things should be taught/explained.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?

ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.

Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.

My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

*fooling around with husband*

Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?

Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!

Short story

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.