Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
🍛
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Real House Wines.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.