Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th

last night in a voiceover session

me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.

Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.

8: Since when?

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.