Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW