Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.

Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.

Me: How was dinner?

Husband: Good!

Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?

Husband: …

*Next night*

Me: How’s dinner?

Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!

Me: Don’t patronize me.

Husband: *sigh*

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

[Standards Bar]

Politician: Make it a double.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆

DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.