Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?

The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’

Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

Me: I like naughty girls

Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*

Me: Not you

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.