Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
You Might Also Like
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?