Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.

[At the police station]

Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning

Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe

Cop: okay what

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

[waits until purge night to illegally download music]

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon