Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Running your mouth is not cardio.

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

How does someone manage that 🤨

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.