Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Not today. 😅

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

That’s fair

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.

there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love

Caught my son playing operation by himself and every time it would buzz he would say “now tell me where Batman is”

He’s going to be just fine

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?

8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout