Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.

mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?