Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

*phone rings*

Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

website: do you accept cookies?

me: into my heart as my Lord and savior

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

TEETH IS INNOCENT

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.