HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats