HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

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Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol


“7 minutes in heaven” but just me locked in the closet with this burrito.


Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?

Me: No. I grew it out so youโ€™d stop complaining about the stubble.


Listened to some Beethoven last night. And some Lady Gaga today. Now I’m quite confused.

Who’s the deaf one again?


Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!


Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.


Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…


Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.


Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.