@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

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@ShakespearePop

I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.

@alexlumaga

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

@amybethlee70

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

@BoomBoomBetty

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@claire_mudie

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

@Rollinintheseat

When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.

@ohen39

friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes

@frogpissmouth

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING