@ShakespearePop I just made your acquaintance, and this is preposterous, but here is my address, perhaps thou shall mail me maybe.
@sixfootcandy HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
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@ShakespearePop 
@alexlumaga Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
@amybethlee70 I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
@BoomBoomBetty H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
@RandomlyMJ Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
@claire_mudie My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
@Rollinintheseat When you’re talking to someone with no teeth, you find out teeth are also a retaining wall for spit.
@ohen39 friend: just act mature
me: okay
[later on date]
her: so what do you do for fun?
me: *with a calm voice* my taxes
@frogpissmouth [punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
@Reverend_Scott [wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING