Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together

Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Realize this:

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

i baked you a cake

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.